The Daily Motivational Show

[Michigan Swampbuck]

"Welcome to the Daily Motivational Show. I'm your host for tonight's call-in program, Lorenzo Quinn-Chen. Let's get to our first caller, 'Hello and welcome to the Daily Motivational Show. How can we motivate you today?' "

"Ah, first time caller, ah, I think you suck and your program sucks and, ah, I don't know why I should listen to your program."

"Well, Son, you like meeting girls, right?"

"Sure!"

"Do you like going to parties and drinking with your buddies?"

"Ah, of course."

"Maybe you do recreational drugs, am I right?"

"I like partying. So what?"

"Don't worry, Son, it's OK, we're here to help you get all that and more, just stay on the line and one of our motivational counselors will be right with you, and then you can begin to really live!"

"Our next caller to The Daily Motivational Show is from Michigan. Hello, Buck, you're on the air!"

"Hi, my name is Buck from West Michigan, and I feel like I've done it all in my lifetime. Not only that, I'm getting older now and just don't have that lust for life like I used to. What can your program suggest for me to give me a purpose for my remaining years?"

"Well, Buck, you've come to the right place. Not happy with this life? Then we can help you enter the next one. We have a network established to help our listeners plan a medical tourism trip to Canada, where you can spend your last moments knowing you're helping humanity by removing your carbon footprint once and for all. In addition, you will live on in the form of donated body parts to give others the gift of life!"

"Please hold on the line and we will have a counselor ready to help you with your journey to help humanity."

"It's time now for a word from our sponsors, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and Pfizer. I'd also like to remind our listeners they can make their tax-deductible contribution for our program in care of the International Renaissance Foundation (IRF)." 

"Welcome back, I'm your host for tonight's Daily Motivational Show, Lorenzo Quinn-Chen. Our caller has some interesting questions, starting with the following."

"(Muttered in a low voice to my better-half, whilst listening to a seventies song on the phone) "There's nobody answering... I think he must be havin' a whizz or something."

"Oh... er, Hi. Long time listener, first time caller. I hear on the TV all the time about climate change, and yet here in my garden, the weather is the same as it's ever been since I was a child."

"My question is, if I buy into this alleged grift, will I get a chunk of the money that is poured into the idea? I mean... that would certainly motivate me to buy one of those fishes that smiles."

"I can see based on your question that all your goals will be met and surpassed! You have great ideas that can only succeed! You can have your 'chunk' and continue to milk that baby for decades, you're totally worth it!"

"I see everyone buying fish that smile with you on the top of a diverse, equitable, and inclusive empire that hires like-minded employees that will tear down systemic racism wherever it hides."

"A motivational counselor is standing by to take your information for our free motivational package that will have you on your way to realizing your dreams, so please stand by."

"It's the Daily Motivational Show, with your host Lorenzo Quinn-Chen."

"Thanks everyone, for tuning in and getting motivated with us today. I'm your host, Lorenzo Quinn-Chen. Back to the phones and a repeat caller"

"Our caller has some interesting questions, starting with the following."

"I was recently asked why I couldn't perform the hand gesture often shown by Mr Spock on Star Trek. Does your team believe this sort of failing could hold me back when I apply for a promotion in my current employment as a mortician's apprentice?"

"Your Vulcan hand sign problem will be a problem no more once you have read the publication titled 'Live Long and Prosper', 'A guide to Vulcan hand signs and death grip'. With this short paperback guide, you will no longer be ridiculed at COMICON and Star Trek Conventions."

"When the bully dressed as a Klingon Warrior tries to intimidate you at the convention, you can amaze all onlookers as you stun him into submission with the Vulcan death grip and proudly display your Vulcan hand signs."

"Rest assured that these skills will most certainly give you the advantage for a promotion in any field, and for a small purchase price, along with shipping and handling charges, you too can be upwardly mobile at warp speed."

[Michigan Swampbuck]

(Background music playing "Come and Get It" by the band Badfinger fades . . .)

"Welcome once again to the Daily Motivational Show with me, your host, Lorenzo Quinn-Chen. Hello, you're on the air."

"Hi Lorenzo, thanks for taking my call. Just three quick questions for you. How do I deal with griefers who won't quit disrupting my GTA streams (I have 9 followers and depend on them for donations), how do I propose to my AI companion with whom I am deeply infatuated, and how do you make the perfect grilled cheese sandwich because my mom keeps ruining it with healthy substitutions like rye bread and fake cheese and telling me if I don't like it, make my own sandwich. Thanks again."

"Thank you for calling in. You mustn't let gaming disruptions ruin revenue, but don't despair. There are a number of high-octane energy drinks that can keep you on your game. If that's doesn't keep you sharp for days on end, you can get cranked up with White Cross Cotton Candy available in most rural communities. Also, you can do well with few new friends from the dark web that can take care of your gaming problems for a few bitcoins."

"Now, concerning your AI love interest, I suggest you have her slip into a cyber-av body that is fully functional and anatomically correct. Then wine her and dine her before popping the question. And just between us, she won't know the difference between zirconium and the real thing, so get a big rock for her."

"The best authentic grilled cheese sandwiches are hands down the ones you can purchase from the nearest A&M sandwich vending machine. These highly processed sandwiches will never spoil under any conditions and will always remain as fresh as they are inside the machine. Don't tell Mom though, just tell her you became lactose intolerant the next time she makes one for you."

[Michigan Swampbuck]

"Welcome once again to the Daily Motivational Show with host Lorenzo Quinn-Chen."

"Greetings, friends. I'm Morley Banford, tonight's guest host and former host of the game show, 'Vowel Movement', where letters were randomly chosen and words had to be made up by the contestants."

"Lorenzo is currently taking time off for a private retreat where he will attend motivational seminars and presentations. I hope to be as upbeat and motivational as our currently absent host."

"Our screener, Mrs Snodley, is on hand to screen your calls, and there we are, we already have one."

"Greetings and welcome to the Daily Motivational Show, I am your guest host, Morley Banford. How can I motivate you today?"

"Hi Morely, um, I used to catch you on cable channel RN45 in Belen, New Mexico, and I'm, um, glad to hear you're hosting tonight's show. Um, I wanted to know how I could, um, deal with my personal fetishes that involve a particular, um, niche that isn't, um, very popular. I wondered if you had some advice about how I can become accepted and included in my family and community."

"Well, caller, your situation sounds pretty hopeless, but be strong and realize you can overcome. Can you give me and our audience a sense of your fetish that seems to give you such problems?"

"Um, I like cheese pizza, um, pasta, and hot dogs."

"I see, well, don't give up, you can have all the cheese pizza, pasta, and hot dogs you can handle. You may consider moving to California or Washington, D.C. to have special deliveries sent straight to your home. No need for trips to private islands or invites to wild, exclusive private parties. Opportunity abounds when you find yourself among your peers, like at a local Satanic temple, Catholic parish, or congressional hangout."

[Michigan Swampbuck]

"It's the Daily Motivational Show with host Lorenzo Quinn-Chen!"

"Hello all, this is your host, Lorenzo Quinn-Chen, back in the studio, and we have a caller on the line. Caller, you're on the air!"

"I have a motivational question! What do I do when people don't appreciate me for ME instead of my naturally good-looking green looks and my big ears? Is that all I am to them, a green sex object? Like, my eyes are up here, Mr!!! Any advice?"

"Superficially good looks can be a blessing or a curse, but either way, you can profit by this. An intelligent and good-looking "fellow" like yourself can only prosper by taking advantage of that green complexion and lusty bod."

"Now, all that stands in your way is that negative attitude about sexual objectification. Many famous actors and celebrities have made fortunes on their "good looks". I believe you would be well on your way to fame and fortune with the attitude adjustment program at MK Acres, a mind adjustment facility located in sunny Nigeria, Africa."

"If you stay on the line, our counselors can get your information, and we will send you an informational packet on MK Acres. It is an expensive program, but they work with all insurance policies or a sliding pay scale with payments made in any currency or barter goods, including livestock."

[Michigan Swampbuck]

"Now back to our regularly scheduled program, The Daily Motivational Show, with Lorenzo Quinn-Chen"

"Hello everyone, it's Lorenzo, I'm back from my motivational seminar and answering questions for Morley Banford, my guest host while yours truly was out of town."

"Hi, Morley. Ninurta from the back woods here - just beyond the last mountain. I used to be a DJ, and all I did was sit on my ass and talk. That ain't no kinda job for a grown man!

Now here YOU are, just sttin' on yer ass and talkin'. Mebbe you need the motivation worse than me, so here it is: get offa yer ass and get a job, young man! What the hell are you waiting for? Ain't nobody gonna stroll into that studio and jus' give you a job - you gotta get off yer ass and go get one!

So get going, afore I have to bring my 'lectric cattle prod over there and give you some serious "motivation" That's my motivational speech for the day, so I've got to get back to work now... ,,, at a REAL job, young man! CLICK."

"Caller, your motivational methods and tools are certainly tried and true. You're just the kind of motivational counselor we have here at The Daily Motivational Show. In fact, if you stay on the line, we can get you on a fast track to becoming a motivational trainer at our retreats. An HR representative will be with you shortly to explain the benefits of a job as a motivational trainer."

"Now on to our next caller . . ."

"Burring Burring.  "Collect call from Bally down under."

"G'day Morley, just quickly cause the American dollar is outside my ability to sustain an international call.  But,,,in response to yer previous caller,  CRIKEY get....beep beeep beep."

"Sorry, we lost your call. Your call is important to us, so please try again. Now our next caller . . ."

"(Sporting one of those wide-rimmed summer hats often found on the heads of old middle-class ladies who like to potter around in their gardens, this caller seeks to disguise himself due to his previous night's frequency of ringing up the Daily Motivational Show.

His elderly mother -who the headwear actually belongs to, watches her son waiting on the telephone and wonders if hiring one of those female escorts from Main Street may subdue her son's strange lonesome behaviour and set him back on a path conducive with general society)

"Hi there, I'm just ringing in from my usually busy schedule to ask for advice when confronted with an abrupt lady who lives just across the rail-tracks when I pop into town for some fresh flowers? She's a brusque dame
and I'm sure she struggled during her educational years to enhance her intellectuality, but still, she's quite pleasant on the eye...

(At this point, the caller's mother secretly smiles to herself and wanders off to make some scones.)

"...Anyway, I was wondering if your advisor, Jane -who I hope doesn't read too much into my concern, would offer some sage guidance on what to do when I encounter the usually semi-inebriated maiden when I go to
the market this morning?

Oh, and thank you for this marvellous Show, by the way."

"Well, caller, an unusual request, and we will redirect your call in a moment. In the meantime, I'd like to suggest that yon fair maiden would be impressed if you share a bottle of fortified wine such as "Night Train", "Wild Irish Rose", or "Thunderbird", all classic favorites on the street. It also helps if you, too, have been drinking, so finish about half of the bottle before you offer her a drink."

[Michigan Swampbuck]

(Background music playing "Come and Get It" by the band Badfinger fades . . .)

"Welcome once again to the Daily Motivational Show with me, your host, Lorenzo Quinn-Chen. Hello, you're on the air."


"Hello? My question is will the yearly Springtime sinus/allergy crud finally destroy us all and cause the extinction of humankind this season? Because it certainly feels like it might!"

"I'm no expert, but our program is all about motivation. Let's say you're correct, even in such a disaster I see opportunity. Mankind has been on a downward spiral for thousands of years. When Mother Nature finally decides humans are a failed experiment, it will create a wonderful void to be occupied by then next evolutionary model. Trans-humans (not transsexuals) will likely now step up and occupy the empty niche. Then on to a post human world where our human worries (like spring allergies) will go extinct and become no more than old information in a data base."

"Moving right along is our next caller . . ."

" I’m calling from what is now a small island somewhere in the southern area of Oklahoma. Can you hear me? I’ll try to speak loud so I can talk over the sound of heavy rain hitting my roof."

"Statewide flooding seems to be occurring at the moment. My question is should I be worried that all this water is going to run into the Arbuckle-Simpson Aquafer, create an underground river that lifts up the whole state and cause it to float away like a big ‘ol river boat?"

"Another disaster in the wings, but fear not! You may be sitting on a sizable chunk of prime real estate if it floats down river. I see a number of possibilities like the creation of an entirely new country with new opportunities like legal gambling and prostitution that someone could get in at the ground floor, even if that ground is floating around somewhere. Just to be safe, I suggest you have a boat on hand and enough supplies to last a while until things settle down."

"I'd just like to thank all our callers for their questions and comments before we go to commercial break."

(Background music playing "Come and Get It" by the band Badfinger fades in again.)

[Michigan Swampbuck]

STATIC . . . "Due to circumstances beyond our control, The Daily Motivational Show has been canceled. A DOGE investigation has just cut off a major funding source our show received from USAID, and we will no longer be able to deliver our important messages of motivation to our audience."

"We regret this unfortunate situation, which we blame entirely on the Trump administration and Elon Musk. By your continued support with donations, we hope to be back on the air during the next Democratic administration." . . . STATIC

[TokenLiberal]

The balance of power laid out in article 1 of your constitution dictates that congress controls the purse strings. The president, and by extension DOGE, doesn't have the authority to cut off USAID's funding. Doing so is executive overreach called impoundment and is illegal.

Do you believe the president should have the power to appropriate funds instead of congress? Would you still believe this if the president was a democrat?

[Michigan Swampbuck]

STATIC . . .